brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
