Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
