when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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