Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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