Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
