I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize