I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
