I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
