Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
