I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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