mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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