Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
