I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
