I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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