I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
