Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
