I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
