i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
