Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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