just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I am one with the molecules
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
