If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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