Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
