I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
