my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
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