I bet he comes in French.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
