I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
