My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
