She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
