I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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