My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
