I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
