I showed him my bush... on skype.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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