dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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