I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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