textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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