And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize