He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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