Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
