I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize