Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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