The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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