Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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