the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
