im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
