Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
