i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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