I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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