I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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