Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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