You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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