I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
