Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize