the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
