At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
