if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
